05 July 2014: For Better Or Worse...I Will Aways Love You

Divorce, splitting up, separation...whatever you want to call it, there's no positivity behind these labels.

I died inside when I came home and heard that my aunty and uncle were splitting up. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and I was silently gasping for air. I've never had to experience anything like this before. I have such a large family but we are all close-knit and very family orientated.

This aunty and uncle of mine in particular I am very close to. They have lived in the house beside me practically my whole life. From as far back as I can remember they were there, always with an open door, giving me presents for my birthday and helping me to celebrate it, video camera at the ready on Christmas mornings, partying with us in the backyard etc. etc. They are like my second parents and I've always felt that if anything happened to my Mum and Dad, it would be my aunty and uncle who would take me and my siblings in as their own children.

There is a reason I hate change. I don't know what to think, how to act or feel or what the future is going to hold. Which one will move out? My aunty most probably but will my uncle still work on the farm? How often will my cousins be going backwards and forwards between their parents? Will both my aunty and uncle still come to family gatherings?

Now all I hear at home is hushed conversations between Mum and Dad about loans, mortgages, housing, solicitors etc etc. I feel like these are things I shouldn't have to worry about, being my parent's 'child' but the truth is, I'm not a child anymore. I know how these things work and how having something like this happen could completely ruin a business partnership. There are certain contracts binding my father, mother, aunty and uncle together. Some contracts are split just between my uncle and dad but others are split between the four. Even my grandmother is included in some. All this worries me. How will our financial situation go now? Will we have to buy out my aunty? Will the farm go broke? And I'm worried about my grandma's reaction to this. Her son's marriage is breaking up and my grandma and I are alike in that we feel too much for others and worry about everyone else. When I first found out I had hopes that my uncle and aunty would just be separating and would eventually be happy together again. Now I know this won't be happening.  :/
So much more stress and worry now as these thoughts constantly fill my head. I never thought this would have happened. Ever. I feel like I'm living through a nightmare. But this nightmare has come true.

They say they just aren't happy together but how can they be happy apart? Alone? Does three grown up children and twenty plus years of marriage count for nothing? What hope do the rest of us have?

Whatever happened to "till death do us part"? Why can nothing ever last?

My heart is aching and I'm feeling so much pain at the moment so I can only imagine what they are all going through. I cried when I found out and can't stop thinking about it still. I love them with all my heart and I really hope they have made the best decision, the right decision for them.