26 July 2014: Young and Oblivious

I miss how things used to be. How when we were younger we were easily amused and carefree.

I miss the little things that granted so much happiness and the way everyday felt like a brand new adventure.

I miss how everyone was once innocent and knew nothing of stereotypes.

I miss the way our problems were almost non-existent and stress wasn’t even in our vocabulary.

26 July 2014: Danger To Myself

Sometimes I am a huge danger to myself and take risks just for the sake of it. When I get in my depressed moods is when most of these risks occur. Because in those moments I don’t care about anything anymore. I walk around in a numb state of mind, both physically and mentally.

The dangerous situations that I get stuck in are purely my own fault. I know the consequences and I know the possible harsh effects. In an attempt to change who I was, to become a different person, someone who I think other people wanted me to be. To feel accepted, to become social, to tick things off my bucket list and achieve what I want to in life. In the end though, I either majorly regret it or feel especially proud.

I extract myself from situations for no reason at all. I get in this down mood where only one or two certain people can pull me up from.

05 July 2014: One Girl's Story (Headspace)

This girl's story pretty much exactly sums up my own feelings (Headspace)

"It’s not something you plan for or even expect, or it wasn’t that way for me anyway. It came out of nowhere. I had no reason to feel the way I did, but I couldn’t control it.

Once depression took hold of me, I battled it, at times to breaking point. I guess throughout my entire life I never really trusted anyone. I had experienced a lot of loss and maybe that was what made things end up the way they did...

I spent almost a year feeling the worst I’ve ever felt without anyone knowing. I had a roof over my head, an amazing family and clothes on my back, I had everything you need to live, but I never felt alive. After feeling like that, I then felt guilty for having so much when there are people who have nothing. I had everything and I was nothing. I shut myself off from everyone and I guess you could say I bottled up my emotions until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was fragile to say the least.

One minute I would be so angry and work myself up to the point of throwing things and saying a lot of things I regret now and the next I was either just sad or felt nothing at all. All the anxiety attacks, all of the sleepless nights, stress, migraines and feeling sick eventually caught up with me. For a long time I think I was in denial of the fact that something wasn’t right. Even my family had tried to convince themselves that it was just the “moody teenage years” kicking in, but there was nothing I could do to tell anyone how I felt. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t talk about it or bring myself to admit I needed help. I screamed out for help in other ways. I had an inability to express what I was going through.

I feel worthless and like I don't belong anywhere for so long, I have trouble expressing my feelings. I learnt a lot about myself because of all this and what I am going through has become a huge part of me.

It’s hard to hide your feelings from a world that believes you are fine, but the truth is that you shouldn’t have to."