26 July 2014: A Note To You

And what if I can’t bring myself to delete your pictures? Or to erase your words and the moments we shared? Because I know we’re over, I know we’ve ended. But I’m not angry at you. I can’t be angry at you. I still look at you and your photos with as much compassion as I always did. And a part of me always will. A piece of you will forever be in my heart and a part of my life and my past will be reserved just for you. Whether that be in memories or feelings, please know that I’m always here for you xx

26 July 2014: Young and Oblivious

I miss how things used to be. How when we were younger we were easily amused and carefree.

I miss the little things that granted so much happiness and the way everyday felt like a brand new adventure.

I miss how everyone was once innocent and knew nothing of stereotypes.

I miss the way our problems were almost non-existent and stress wasn’t even in our vocabulary.

06 July 2014: I Think Of You Every Single Day

For the one I miss the most who I will never be able to see again. No matter how strange, I think of you everyday and I would give anything to have one more moment with you. This song is yours. Love you forever x

My heart feels like it's broken

Like I'm missing a piece of my soul

I feel you watching from above

Each day as I grow old

I feel like you're a part of me

That you would have really cared

Like you felt all my pain

For the three months you were here

 

Oh I want to know you

I just want you in my life

To have you hear all about my day

And have lunch with you on a Sunday

It's moments like these I wish we could share

For now we're apart, but one day I'll join you up there

 

I've heard all the stories

About your redeeming qualities

About your love for fast cars

And your kindness and generosity

Tears well in my eyes as I picture you, in my mind

And as your birthday passes and we celebrate your life

I can't help but wonder, if you were still here, what it would be like.

I can only imagine that you are with me in every way

Filling my life with love, each and every day

 

Oh I want to know you

I just want you in my life

To have you hear all about my day

And have lunch with you on a Sunday

It's moments like these I wish we could share

For now we're apart, but one day I'll join you up there

 

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You're not in my sight but you are in my mind

Photographs are all I'm left with, without them I'm blind.

When the stars align and the skies turn grey

I will finally be able to see you

When heaven takes me away

For now, I pray.

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Oh I want to know you

I just want you in my life

To have you hear all about my day

And have lunch with you on a Sunday

It's moments like these I wish we could share

For now we're apart, but one day I'll join you up there

03 April 2014: I told myself don't get attached, but in my mind I play it back...

Do you ever have those few people in your life who have previously treated you so badly, drained you from so many tears you didn’t know you could possibly cry, kept you up all hours of the night thinking and worrying…but still you can’t feel a constant stream of hate towards them even though you feel they strongly deserve it? They are sometimes the people that others warned you about, or that your gut feeling said not to go there but when it comes to love and feelings the brain stops working and the heart takes over.

With love and the person you are in a relationship with, I believe there are two extremes…either pure happiness or heartache. With or without love people feel these emotions even just thinking about it. Those without love feel heartbreak because all they can think about is the love they desire. And those with love are either so genuinely happy that they have found their soul mate and in this case a heart ache is a positive thing from loving too much, or their heart is aching because they are broken on the inside from secretly knowing that the love they have is not right and not meant to be but they can’t speak these words for fear of what might happen once they do. The heart knows what it feels before the brain realises it.

Thinking about your love (or lack of it) can either keep your world spinning around or stop it completely. It’s the difference between a red and green light, heaven and hell, a birth or a death. You can either feel the butterflies of a happy nervousness or heart ache because you love someone so much and can’t believe they’re yours, or the butterflies of dread and heart ache that the person you are with is not right for you or because you aren’t with the person you wish could have fall in love with you.

In my experience, those who hurt you, break you. It may only be for a few days, a few months or a few years. First comes shock, then sadness: the days of numbness and the nights of crying. Anger follows on from that and if you are lucky, happiness from the thankfulness that what you had is over and you are able to move on. Unfortunately for me, after the anger happiness doesn’t come straightaway. I tend to lean back towards the sadness and go into a state of depression. This has happened to me twice. The first time was only a slight, hardly noticeable stage of depression but the second and most recent time had me so far deep into a hole my thoughts and feelings had dug myself into that I couldn’t get myself out of. Or maybe it was subconsciously that I didn’t/don’t want to. At first the feeling of depression was something I didn’t realise I had. I thought it was just a normal unhappiness that comes with being treated wrongly and that it would go away in a few weeks. But then I began to realise that this was actually an illness and a type of depression. I didn’t care about anything anymore. Things I used to put so much effort into didn’t have a place in my heart anymore. Friends I used to enjoy being around couldn’t make me feel any happiness. I lived for nightfall when I could crawl into bed, be alone crying silently while listening to sad songs with artists that understood me and lyrics that completely described my thoughts and feelings at the time. Apart from sitting down in the shower, I felt that at night was the only time I could let out my true emotions. I didn’t dare tell anyone how I was really feeling. I’m not an open person at the best of times but I didn’t know if this was because of a fear of judgement and people not understanding and laughing at my thoughts and feelings. I couldn’t bear to have someone laugh or judge how I was feeling, hence the preference to keep quiet and my internal pact to never be so open.

The second guy that broke me was the worst feeling. I don’t know why I always feel so strongly whenever I feel emotions. I am unfortunately extremely sensitive and feel everything so deeply. Strangely enough, I started having feelings for this guy a few months before we ever even spoke. Like my normal self, I crushed from afar. For a few different reasons I tried to ignore my feelings as I didn’t want to fall for him. Starting off it was because a girl I worked with had something going on with him but although I felt he was leading her on and playing with her feelings, she really liked him. I was one of the girls that she spoke to about these problems with him. As I’m not an open book, it was easy to hide my feelings for this guy and stay on her side of the problem. A couple months later they had a big fight and he was looking for someone to talk to. Good old Facebook and its ability to both connect and break up people. He wrote a status complaining that people he spoke to couldn’t hold a conversation or didn’t reply. I had slight hopes when I like his status but tried not to have expectations that he would actually start a conversation with me.

My heart actually stopped when I got the message a few minutes later. It was him asking me something about if I actually replied to messages. And that’s where it began. I think it was about 9 o’clock that night when the conversation started while he was at work and we spoke until 3 or 4am in the morning. I don’t sleep a whole lot but I’ve never stayed up that late talking to someone before. I didn’t even care, I just didn’t want the conversation to end for fear that it would never happen again. But it did. He sent me an inbox again after lunch the next day, and the next…and the next. We talked every day for a while after that. I couldn’t believe that this guy seemed interested in me and wanted to talk to me. He was the complete opposite to me, yet we had similar thoughts. Our pasts were completely different also…you could say he was kind of a stereotypical ‘bad’ boy. But that didn’t matter to me. In my opinion, the past is in the past and it is your future and your intentions that matter. What counts is if people want to change, if they can look back on their past and realise their mistakes and want to make themselves a better person because of them. I guess you could say that I wanted to be the one to help this bad boy. To make him become the person I knew he could be. I didn’t want to change him for my sake, but for his. So that he could appreciate himself and realise that he was someone special. He didn’t see what I saw in him. And all I wanted and still hope for, is that he could. I know we have no future together but I still wish that he can find that person who helps him see what he is. To go beyond what people stereotype him to be from his looks and tattoos. Yes he has imperfections, everyone does, but he has so many beautiful thoughts and values. Number one being family. That means so much to me and my heart melted when I realised it means everything to him also. I wish society could stop judging people from what they see and get to know someone before they label them.

For reasons I don’t understand or even really know about, this guy and I have very little communication nowadays. I believe everything happens for a reason so maybe the reason is that it wouldn’t have worked in the future anyway. Plus he is now moving away which I can’t help but feel slightly saddened about. I have gotten a lot stronger over the past couple of weeks and I think that my feelings towards him are slowly lessening. Which I am very grateful for because being depressed was not a high point of my year. I became so depressed that I used self-harm as a way out. It eased the pain of what I was feeling and caused my thoughts to be put on hold. Drinking also numbed the pain but I didn’t want to have to rely on alcohol or cutting myself to forever pause these feelings. I ended up falling back onto my love for quotes and music. Though they may not have been the most positive words or lyrics, it made me feel as though I wasn’t alone and that I would get through all this. I even went on a date with a different guy a few weeks ago to try and get over all of this but that didn’t go so well. I always seem to go for the guys that are users and only want one thing. I ended up doing more things with him than I normally would have, especially seeing as though it was only a first date but that was because of my depression and lack of caring about anything. All this may seem dramatic but my feelings are either intense or not there at all. And it wasn’t so much him specifically that caused me to become depressed, it was more the fact that I have been hurt by so many things and nothing ever seems to work out. I am constantly being used by guys because I am too nice and trust too much. The consequences of all this is that I now trust no one and always have my guard up.

But you know what the funny thing is? While I was out getting drunk, trying to forget about the latest guy who really hurt me, I ran into the first guy who lead me on. I hadn't seen him for 6-12 months since we stopped talking so I was waiting for a very awkward moment. But after a tiny little bit it was fine and we were acting like we always had! I am so grateful that we could get our friendship back and know that we could still communicate like we did. I have never been able to talk to someone so easily as I can with him and I think that's what made me fall for him in the first place. I am so happy that he has moved on and found himself a lovely girl and I believe they make the cutest couple. I am glad to still be friends with him and don't have any feelings for him anymore. That gives me hope that I can move on and eventually get over the second and latest guy who hurt me.

Now I feel as though I am practically over the main guy who hurt me but then I see a picture of him on social media and my heart hurts again. I think there will always be a little piece of me that likes him no matter how hard I try to move on but I know that in the end I will find that guy that makes me forget all my mistakes. That makes me feel as though everything I have been through was worth it all to discover him. Who won’t judge my past or my mistakes and feelings and instead help me to see the positive of it all. I don’t want to have to rely on a male but I do want to know there is always one there for me, encouraging me to become the best person I can be and who will always be around for cuddles whenever I need them. I cannot wait for the day when I meet that person xx

03 April 2014: A Depression Experience

Something else I came across, this time on my Twitter feed from Cosmo magazine:

No One Knew Depression Was Killing Me Inside

 

I was always drinking to the point of oblivion. It was impossible for me to go out and socially drink without getting hammered. It got really bad at school, but I would tell myself that I was 21, that this is what people do in college, that self-medicating this way was OK. But in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t. Once you realize you’re not drinking socially, and that you’re drinking to make your problems go away, it hits you. I realized over time I would do anything to be happy and that’s what did it. I was totally willing to go through life drunk, honestly. And I was willing to do it forever if it meant that I didn’t have to tell anyone that I was unhappy.
My secret was just that. I was so unhappy, and I didn’t know where to turn. For years, I hid everything from my parents. Nothing was ever wrong, per se, but the unhappiness got worse and worse. I smiled when I was supposed to and functioned like I was supposed to, but I just wasn’t happy. My parents didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong, because I assured them I was repeatedly that I was fine. But they absolutely suspected problems.
I’ve always been close to my parents, but I stopped coming home [from school] just because I didn’t want to admit something was wrong. I was afraid of their reactions. They’ve given me an incredible life! They are wonderful parents, but I was just dissatisfied so I shut them out. All my relationships faltered at that point in my life. I shut out friends, too, who knew something was up with me. I surrounded myself with people who faced mental health issues, too, and had not yet come to terms with it, either. I knew that none of it was OK and it made me sick.
Eventually, it broke me. I was on medication for awhile and never filled my prescription when I was supposed to. I would tell myself always, "I’ll do it tomorrow..." But I just kept having bad weeks and never refilled it. The withdrawals from medication that configures your brain chemistry are brutal. I went to my doctor knowing I’d have to start the medication again.
When you go in, they make you fill out basic intake questions. “On a scale of 1-10, how many days do you feel like a failure?” etc. I was relatively honest, but nothing really resonated with me. When I was called in, a doctor I didn’t normally have asked me if I ever felt suicidal before. It was then that I broke. Honestly, I don’t even think I said anything. Right then and there I collapsed to the ground. It was such a blur to me, it happened so fast. It’s hard for me to relive, I guess. I don’t know if I would have committed suicide — that [question] was something that pushed me over the edge because that’s never something you just shouldn’t know. It was a question I thought a lot about, but I always brushed it away as a selfish thought. That was the breakdown that led to my hospitalization.
Until this point, I didn’t receive help in college even though I knew there was something wrong with the way I handled situations and life in general. My partying got a little out of control, but drinking when I was sad to forget my problems was happening all the time. It was an absolutely unhealthy escape. I was under the impression that it would be selfish to get help. Honestly, I was plagued by the stigma that I now aim to end. It scares me to know that there are so many people our age who are in same boat as me. That’s why I knew I had to become so vocal about it.
When I came home after my hospitalization, it took me a long time to tell people. I deleted my Twitter account and deactivated my Facebook. I was so upset and still felt selfish. Within the next few days, though, some of my closer friends and family encouraged me. They helped me understand that this was not something I should be ashamed of.
I slowly got back into social media and let people know what happened to me. Once I started talking about it, the feedback I got was quite surreal. People just email me and say, “I know exactly what you went through,” and “I just need to get this off my chest.” That’s when I started talking about the good and the bad. My followers aren’t looking for advice, necessarily, but I think sometimes they just need someone who can listen or someone who can relate. I realized awhile ago that one of the healthier ways I would self-medicate was by writing. I also realized that when I would tweet anonymously and get this incredible feedback, it was easier to handle. My handle is more of a pen name than anything else.
The worst thing is when someone who is beautiful, successful, and smart decides to end his or her life and people say, “Oh, what a shame. She was so pretty. Why would she do that?” People need to know that depression is not always situational. Sometimes you are born with a biological condition and you cannot help yourself.
I remind people that I am not a counselor. I have no medical or professional experience, but I am merely speaking from my own experiences. I encourage people to get help. It is not as scary as it seems. It takes time to find the right medication and therapist. It definitely took months for me to feel something, to feel happy, but it was worth all the hard work to get there.

22 March 2014: Recent Thoughts > International Day of Happiness

I wrote some thoughts down a couple of days ago on the International Day of Happiness (March 20th) that have been rolling around in my head for a week or so. I haven't been feeling myself lately and in the past week I've finally started to see the light and slowly bring myself back to the person I was before a certain someone and situation changed my life. I hope it inspires other people to keep pushing forward with their life and realise that they are the one driving rather than sitting back in the passenger seat and letting someone else take control of their travels.

Does anyone else ever have those epiphanies? Sudden realisations after weeks of feeling lost, confused and like you have no place in the world? After everything feeling like it was falling apart at once and you were digging yourself a huge hole in your mind and heart that you couldn’t pull yourself out of as much as you wanted to? Feeling like nothing was going your way and you keep growing more and more depressed even though you try to avoid that. Feeling like there was only a few solutions left to pause or subside the pain and feelings of hopelessness. It’s hard to instantly get out of that place that you’ve been in for a long time.

This epiphany may come in the simplest and most unexpected form. It could be a sentence you read, something someone says, an old memory or feeling that changes your whole view and opinion on your current situation. Maybe overthinking will come in handy and it will be your own thought that protects you from the depths of what you could have been about to bring to your own future.

Those epiphanies are what we owe our lives to. They are the ones that can save you from your own deep, dark thoughts that swallow your happiness and privilege of living the life you do. They are the light at the end of the tunnel, the reward for having the strength to go through everything you have and come out on top. They are the light bulb moment, the click of your fingers, and the tap of your heels three times bringing you back to your home, to your normal self, to your own soul, mind and happy thoughts.

“Turn your face to the sun and all of the shadows fall behind you”. Yes there may be a time in your life (or a few) where you go back to that horrible place, where you feel like your constant negative thoughts are once again choking you. But wait for that epiphany…know that the lifejacket to save you from your drowning thoughts is floating along to you with the next wave…ready to save you from yourself and your contemplations.

It’s YOUR life. YOUR choices affect what will make up your future. Choose to think positively. At the end of the day focusing on the negatives is unfortunately what we are naturally drawn to but that will only bring more negative thoughts and worry to your life. Instead, be grateful for something in your day. Write down at least one positive thing that happened throughout the day and put it in a jar for you to look back on. It could be the simplest moment such as receiving an unexpected hug, finding your favourite drink on special in the groceries or having a stranger hold the door open for you. These few seconds could be the difference between having a good and bad day. Think about these moments and learn to appreciate the little things, it’s amazing how much it can affect your outlook on life. Realise what makes you happy and do that for others. In my experience, the most rewarding way to make yourself happy is by making someone else’s day, especially when that person is a stranger.

You are in charge of your life. Every choice you make makes up what is labelled as your future. Choose what makes you happy. Don’t like your current job? Go to uni and study what you secretly want to do. Want to visit that country you’ve been dreaming of? Start planning it! Sure you may not end up there in the next few months because of a low bank account balance but who knows what is around the corner in the next couple of years. Someone has to win the lotto, right?

Happiness is that fuzzy feeling that you feel like you can’t be in a better mood than you already are. When you are smiling crazily, sometimes for no reason. It’s something that people take for granted but it’s one of the most rewarding feelings. It is an emotion that everyone wants and lives for. Those who go out of their way to change their own negative thoughts and feelings will be a positive influence on those around them. How often do you want to be around someone who is moody and constantly frowning?

Happy International Day of Happiness!