Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Saturday, 26 July 2014
26 July 2014: A Note To You
And what if I can’t bring myself to delete your pictures? Or
to erase your words and the moments we shared? Because I know we’re over, I know
we’ve ended. But I’m not angry at you. I can’t be angry at you. I still look at
you and your photos with as much compassion as I always did. And a
part of me always will. A piece of you will forever be in my heart and a part
of my life and my past will be reserved just for you. Whether that be in
memories or feelings, please know that I’m always here for you xx
26 July 2014: Young and Oblivious
I miss how things used to be. How when we were younger we
were easily amused and carefree.
I miss the little things that granted so much happiness and
the way everyday felt like a brand new adventure.
I miss how everyone was once innocent and knew nothing of
stereotypes.
I miss the way our problems were almost non-existent and stress
wasn’t even in our vocabulary.
26 July 2014: Danger To Myself
Sometimes I am a huge danger to myself and take risks just
for the sake of it. When I get in my depressed moods is when most of these
risks occur. Because in those moments I don’t care about anything anymore. I walk
around in a numb state of mind, both physically and mentally.
I extract myself from situations for no reason at all. I get in this down mood where only one or two certain people can pull me up from.
The dangerous situations that I get stuck in are purely my own fault. I know the consequences and I know the possible harsh effects.
I extract myself from situations for no reason at all. I get in this down mood where only one or two certain people can pull me up from.
26 July 2014: Goodbye and Good Riddance
I think it’s sad that people wish away so much of their
lives. That we want to erase numerous parts of our past. That we just “can’t
wait for this week to be over”.
Thursday, 3 July 2014
03 July 2014: Long Time No Post
How great is happiness?! Seriously!
Most sane people probably wouldn't have actually spent the time sitting and thinking about it but then there's those few types of people who have learnt not to take that emotion for granted. Believe me, coming from someone who spent a long time without that feeling in their life, happiness is the most amazing feeling - despite love.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just have a good day. Waking up feeling refreshed and happy, doing housework while singing along (that trusty broom makes a great microphone!), knowing you have a great plan set out for that afternoon even if that just means staying in and watching movies while eating popcorn.
As much as I've gone through in the past year and a half, mentally and physically, it has all taught me many lessons: the strongest being to not take anything for granted, especially positive thoughts and feelings. These are what you live for. I aim to keep my thoughts and feelings hidden most of the time but try to be the person who reflects positivity and happiness. Whether that means smiling at random strangers, being the girl who is always laughing or being able to put a positive spin on bad situations, I believe that everyone needs someone like this in their life. For them to go and talk to this person no matter what the time and know that they will walk away from that conversation feeling ten times better. Weirdly, I have always felt that it's my duty to be one of these people. Laughing at everything comes naturally to me and I find it easy to see the positive in other people's situations. I fight constant battles with myself, my thoughts and my experiences but to be able to be the person that keeps others sane is what I hope I have become over the years.
Most sane people probably wouldn't have actually spent the time sitting and thinking about it but then there's those few types of people who have learnt not to take that emotion for granted. Believe me, coming from someone who spent a long time without that feeling in their life, happiness is the most amazing feeling - despite love.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just have a good day. Waking up feeling refreshed and happy, doing housework while singing along (that trusty broom makes a great microphone!), knowing you have a great plan set out for that afternoon even if that just means staying in and watching movies while eating popcorn.
As much as I've gone through in the past year and a half, mentally and physically, it has all taught me many lessons: the strongest being to not take anything for granted, especially positive thoughts and feelings. These are what you live for. I aim to keep my thoughts and feelings hidden most of the time but try to be the person who reflects positivity and happiness. Whether that means smiling at random strangers, being the girl who is always laughing or being able to put a positive spin on bad situations, I believe that everyone needs someone like this in their life. For them to go and talk to this person no matter what the time and know that they will walk away from that conversation feeling ten times better. Weirdly, I have always felt that it's my duty to be one of these people. Laughing at everything comes naturally to me and I find it easy to see the positive in other people's situations. I fight constant battles with myself, my thoughts and my experiences but to be able to be the person that keeps others sane is what I hope I have become over the years.
Monday, 14 April 2014
14 April 2014: Seven Things
http://shelbyirwin11.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/all-you-need-to-do-is-copy-paste-this.html
Seven Deadly Sins
seven great things in your
life.
1. Family and friends
2. Instagram
3. The ability to have new beginnings
4. Finding what makes me so happy: writing
5. Having parents who care about you
6. Music
7. Internet
seven things you lack and
covet.
1. Having someone I trust with all of my heart
2. Money
3. A pretty face and body
4. The ability to not care/worry about things I shouldn’t
5. Sleep
6. Complete happiness
7. A one true love
seven things that make you
angry.
1. Being lied to
2. Rude people
3. Being used
4. Not being appreciated
5. Accomplishments not being noticed
6. Not being happy with my life
7. Not being able to afford things I want
seven things that you neglect
to do.
1. Wash my car
2. Study as much as I should
3. Stop eating junk food
4. Start exercising
5. Go to the doctors when I should
6. Organise my room
7. Stop buying online
seven worldly material desires.
1. A new camera
2. A new phone
3. A new car
4. A new laptop
5. New clothes
5. New clothes
6. My own room
7. Perfect
teeth
seven guilty pleasures.
1. Unhealthy food
2. Social networking
3. TV series
4. Talking to good looking guys
5. Peaches and nectarines
6. Anything summer related
7. Using a lot of internet
seven things you love about
love.
1. Having someone who understands you.
2. Cute text messages
3. Knowing someone can make you laugh on the worst day.
4. Having those little things that you remind you of each other.
5. Having someone cuddle/kiss/wrap their arms around you always
6. Being able to be yourself and know they'll still be there.
7. Having them see you at your worst and know they still think you’re beautiful
**EDIT: After re-reading this two months after posting it, I can see how vain I was. A lot has changed over those few months so I would like to think that my opinions would be less materialistic today.
7. Having them see you at your worst and know they still think you’re beautiful
**EDIT: After re-reading this two months after posting it, I can see how vain I was. A lot has changed over those few months so I would like to think that my opinions would be less materialistic today.
Thursday, 10 April 2014
10 April 2014: Questions and Answers
Some deep and heartfelt answers involved in this blog. Definitely some questions worth thinking about!
Questions accessed from:
http://justsimplysk.tumblr.com/post/34900894336/answers-to-23-deep-ass-questions-ask-away
1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I’ve kind of had practice telling someone how I feel so I am not as shy about it as I first was. Yes it is super nerve-racking but in the end you feel a kind of relief for finally getting it off your chest.
As I’m really insecure I definitely feel that looking into someone’s eyes when they are letting me how they feel would be more difficult. I would be so scared as to what they would say, what my reaction would be and how it would affect our future.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
The last time I was really angry was at my ex-boyfriend who I realised lied to me constantly throughout a relationship. What made me angrier was the fact that he also lied to my parents and my family. I let him into my life, my parents welcomed him into our home, my family went out of their way to meet him and make him feel comfortable and almost everything he said was a lie. Any thoughts I have about him now are full of hatred. I think about things he did throughout our relationship that also made me angry: going through my phone, photos and messages because he didn’t trust me, feeling jealous and questioning me about guys (and girls!), expecting me to do certain things because he wanted to, laughing AT me and not in a loving way. I definitely still feel the same way and I hope I never see him again.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
I’d call my mother and hope to God that she puts me on speaker for the rest of my family to hear. I would give her messages to pass onto my friends but more importantly my family. I would tell everyone I love them but mostly just want Mum and Dad to know.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
No I wouldn’t tell anyone, or if I did I would tell my parents. But only to justify my reasons for doing what I do with my last remaining days. I would be so afraid as I’m scared of death. I would go for a quick holiday to America as I have always wanted to, show my mother the songs and everything I have written in secret and be completely fearless and have a month full of firsts!
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
Love. Love. Love. Love. The people you love are ones you already trust. Love comes naturally so to be without it would be a sad and depressing world.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog’s life? Why or Why not?
Definitely save the dog. That would be a terrible thing to regret doing and if you can live with yourself after letting a dog or anything drown then I feel sorry for you.
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
Love the most I think. Because if you love them, you can generally forgive them in time.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
I would be completely shocked as I can never see that happening and probably a little scared at first! But I have nothing against those who like the same gender. I would feel terrible because I don’t feel the same way for her but she would still definitely be my best friend.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
I wish I could say I would, but I probably wouldn’t. I feel so selfish but a year is a long time with a lot of memories. And the last person who I know who died was my cousin who was very sick. I wouldn’t want them to have another hour or sickness or pain.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yes I think so! There are parts of me I don’t like but knowing my personality and deep down I will always be there to listen to a friend and give them as much advice as I know how to give.
11. Does love = sex?
I really don’t know what my opinion is to this question. But I know love changes sex.
12. Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
As selfish as it sounds, I wouldn’t just offer to leave the company straight out because I still have to make a living. I’d offer to cut back some of my hours so that they could still have some sort of income, even if it wasn’t as much and help them find a fulltime job.
13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
A couple of months ago. It wasn’t face to face but it was a very relieving and quite joyful moment for me. It didn’t end up working out in my favour and yes it was quite difficult but the subject came up and I couldn’t lie.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
Don’t love them back because I always feel terrible about that.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
My loved ones. I am so afraid of death and of losing the people I know.
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
Yesterday and either my brother, Mum or cat
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
I would change believing what a guy told me because he only wanted one thing.
18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Absolutely. I have never thought of CPR as anything but saving someone and I’ve always thought it to be a stranger. A person is a person regardless of their status or living situation.
19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
Selfishly I would let the baby go. I am too afraid of my loved ones dying.
20. Are you old fashioned?
In some ways, yes. In others, definitely not.
21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
I can’t remember the last time but I always try to be nice and not expect anything in return for it.
22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
True love. Just like the saying, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.” I never want to go without feeling true love no matter what the outcome.
23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
Happiness. If you are happy and have positivity you can get through anything.
Questions accessed from:
http://justsimplysk.tumblr.com/post/34900894336/answers-to-23-deep-ass-questions-ask-away
1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I’ve kind of had practice telling someone how I feel so I am not as shy about it as I first was. Yes it is super nerve-racking but in the end you feel a kind of relief for finally getting it off your chest.
As I’m really insecure I definitely feel that looking into someone’s eyes when they are letting me how they feel would be more difficult. I would be so scared as to what they would say, what my reaction would be and how it would affect our future.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
The last time I was really angry was at my ex-boyfriend who I realised lied to me constantly throughout a relationship. What made me angrier was the fact that he also lied to my parents and my family. I let him into my life, my parents welcomed him into our home, my family went out of their way to meet him and make him feel comfortable and almost everything he said was a lie. Any thoughts I have about him now are full of hatred. I think about things he did throughout our relationship that also made me angry: going through my phone, photos and messages because he didn’t trust me, feeling jealous and questioning me about guys (and girls!), expecting me to do certain things because he wanted to, laughing AT me and not in a loving way. I definitely still feel the same way and I hope I never see him again.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
I’d call my mother and hope to God that she puts me on speaker for the rest of my family to hear. I would give her messages to pass onto my friends but more importantly my family. I would tell everyone I love them but mostly just want Mum and Dad to know.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
No I wouldn’t tell anyone, or if I did I would tell my parents. But only to justify my reasons for doing what I do with my last remaining days. I would be so afraid as I’m scared of death. I would go for a quick holiday to America as I have always wanted to, show my mother the songs and everything I have written in secret and be completely fearless and have a month full of firsts!
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
Love. Love. Love. Love. The people you love are ones you already trust. Love comes naturally so to be without it would be a sad and depressing world.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog’s life? Why or Why not?
Definitely save the dog. That would be a terrible thing to regret doing and if you can live with yourself after letting a dog or anything drown then I feel sorry for you.
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
Love the most I think. Because if you love them, you can generally forgive them in time.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
I would be completely shocked as I can never see that happening and probably a little scared at first! But I have nothing against those who like the same gender. I would feel terrible because I don’t feel the same way for her but she would still definitely be my best friend.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
I wish I could say I would, but I probably wouldn’t. I feel so selfish but a year is a long time with a lot of memories. And the last person who I know who died was my cousin who was very sick. I wouldn’t want them to have another hour or sickness or pain.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yes I think so! There are parts of me I don’t like but knowing my personality and deep down I will always be there to listen to a friend and give them as much advice as I know how to give.
11. Does love = sex?
I really don’t know what my opinion is to this question. But I know love changes sex.
12. Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
As selfish as it sounds, I wouldn’t just offer to leave the company straight out because I still have to make a living. I’d offer to cut back some of my hours so that they could still have some sort of income, even if it wasn’t as much and help them find a fulltime job.
13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
A couple of months ago. It wasn’t face to face but it was a very relieving and quite joyful moment for me. It didn’t end up working out in my favour and yes it was quite difficult but the subject came up and I couldn’t lie.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
Don’t love them back because I always feel terrible about that.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
My loved ones. I am so afraid of death and of losing the people I know.
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
Yesterday and either my brother, Mum or cat
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
I would change believing what a guy told me because he only wanted one thing.
18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Absolutely. I have never thought of CPR as anything but saving someone and I’ve always thought it to be a stranger. A person is a person regardless of their status or living situation.
19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
Selfishly I would let the baby go. I am too afraid of my loved ones dying.
20. Are you old fashioned?
In some ways, yes. In others, definitely not.
21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
I can’t remember the last time but I always try to be nice and not expect anything in return for it.
22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
True love. Just like the saying, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.” I never want to go without feeling true love no matter what the outcome.
23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
Happiness. If you are happy and have positivity you can get through anything.
Thursday, 3 April 2014
03 April 2014: A Depression Experience
Something else I came across, this time on my Twitter feed from Cosmo magazine:
I was always drinking to the point of oblivion. It was impossible for me to go out and socially drink without getting hammered. It got really bad at school, but I would tell myself that I was 21, that this is what people do in college, that self-medicating this way was OK. But in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t. Once you realize you’re not drinking socially, and that you’re drinking to make your problems go away, it hits you. I realized over time I would do anything to be happy and that’s what did it. I was totally willing to go through life drunk, honestly. And I was willing to do it forever if it meant that I didn’t have to tell anyone that I was unhappy.
My secret was just that. I was so unhappy, and I didn’t know where to turn. For years, I hid everything from my parents. Nothing was ever wrong, per se, but the unhappiness got worse and worse. I smiled when I was supposed to and functioned like I was supposed to, but I just wasn’t happy. My parents didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong, because I assured them I was repeatedly that I was fine. But they absolutely suspected problems.
I’ve always been close to my parents, but I stopped coming home [from school] just because I didn’t want to admit something was wrong. I was afraid of their reactions. They’ve given me an incredible life! They are wonderful parents, but I was just dissatisfied so I shut them out. All my relationships faltered at that point in my life. I shut out friends, too, who knew something was up with me. I surrounded myself with people who faced mental health issues, too, and had not yet come to terms with it, either. I knew that none of it was OK and it made me sick.
Eventually, it broke me. I was on medication for awhile and never filled my prescription when I was supposed to. I would tell myself always, "I’ll do it tomorrow..." But I just kept having bad weeks and never refilled it. The withdrawals from medication that configures your brain chemistry are brutal. I went to my doctor knowing I’d have to start the medication again.
When you go in, they make you fill out basic intake questions. “On a scale of 1-10, how many days do you feel like a failure?” etc. I was relatively honest, but nothing really resonated with me. When I was called in, a doctor I didn’t normally have asked me if I ever felt suicidal before. It was then that I broke. Honestly, I don’t even think I said anything. Right then and there I collapsed to the ground. It was such a blur to me, it happened so fast. It’s hard for me to relive, I guess. I don’t know if I would have committed suicide — that [question] was something that pushed me over the edge because that’s never something you just shouldn’t know. It was a question I thought a lot about, but I always brushed it away as a selfish thought. That was the breakdown that led to my hospitalization.
Until this point, I didn’t receive help in college even though I knew there was something wrong with the way I handled situations and life in general. My partying got a little out of control, but drinking when I was sad to forget my problems was happening all the time. It was an absolutely unhealthy escape. I was under the impression that it would be selfish to get help. Honestly, I was plagued by the stigma that I now aim to end. It scares me to know that there are so many people our age who are in same boat as me. That’s why I knew I had to become so vocal about it.
When I came home after my hospitalization, it took me a long time to tell people. I deleted my Twitter account and deactivated my Facebook. I was so upset and still felt selfish. Within the next few days, though, some of my closer friends and family encouraged me. They helped me understand that this was not something I should be ashamed of.
I slowly got back into social media and let people know what happened to me. Once I started talking about it, the feedback I got was quite surreal. People just email me and say, “I know exactly what you went through,” and “I just need to get this off my chest.” That’s when I started talking about the good and the bad. My followers aren’t looking for advice, necessarily, but I think sometimes they just need someone who can listen or someone who can relate. I realized awhile ago that one of the healthier ways I would self-medicate was by writing. I also realized that when I would tweet anonymously and get this incredible feedback, it was easier to handle. My handle is more of a pen name than anything else.
The worst thing is when someone who is beautiful, successful, and smart decides to end his or her life and people say, “Oh, what a shame. She was so pretty. Why would she do that?” People need to know that depression is not always situational. Sometimes you are born with a biological condition and you cannot help yourself.
I remind people that I am not a counselor. I have no medical or professional experience, but I am merely speaking from my own experiences. I encourage people to get help. It is not as scary as it seems. It takes time to find the right medication and therapist. It definitely took months for me to feel something, to feel happy, but it was worth all the hard work to get there.
My secret was just that. I was so unhappy, and I didn’t know where to turn. For years, I hid everything from my parents. Nothing was ever wrong, per se, but the unhappiness got worse and worse. I smiled when I was supposed to and functioned like I was supposed to, but I just wasn’t happy. My parents didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong, because I assured them I was repeatedly that I was fine. But they absolutely suspected problems.
I’ve always been close to my parents, but I stopped coming home [from school] just because I didn’t want to admit something was wrong. I was afraid of their reactions. They’ve given me an incredible life! They are wonderful parents, but I was just dissatisfied so I shut them out. All my relationships faltered at that point in my life. I shut out friends, too, who knew something was up with me. I surrounded myself with people who faced mental health issues, too, and had not yet come to terms with it, either. I knew that none of it was OK and it made me sick.
Eventually, it broke me. I was on medication for awhile and never filled my prescription when I was supposed to. I would tell myself always, "I’ll do it tomorrow..." But I just kept having bad weeks and never refilled it. The withdrawals from medication that configures your brain chemistry are brutal. I went to my doctor knowing I’d have to start the medication again.
When you go in, they make you fill out basic intake questions. “On a scale of 1-10, how many days do you feel like a failure?” etc. I was relatively honest, but nothing really resonated with me. When I was called in, a doctor I didn’t normally have asked me if I ever felt suicidal before. It was then that I broke. Honestly, I don’t even think I said anything. Right then and there I collapsed to the ground. It was such a blur to me, it happened so fast. It’s hard for me to relive, I guess. I don’t know if I would have committed suicide — that [question] was something that pushed me over the edge because that’s never something you just shouldn’t know. It was a question I thought a lot about, but I always brushed it away as a selfish thought. That was the breakdown that led to my hospitalization.
Until this point, I didn’t receive help in college even though I knew there was something wrong with the way I handled situations and life in general. My partying got a little out of control, but drinking when I was sad to forget my problems was happening all the time. It was an absolutely unhealthy escape. I was under the impression that it would be selfish to get help. Honestly, I was plagued by the stigma that I now aim to end. It scares me to know that there are so many people our age who are in same boat as me. That’s why I knew I had to become so vocal about it.
When I came home after my hospitalization, it took me a long time to tell people. I deleted my Twitter account and deactivated my Facebook. I was so upset and still felt selfish. Within the next few days, though, some of my closer friends and family encouraged me. They helped me understand that this was not something I should be ashamed of.
I slowly got back into social media and let people know what happened to me. Once I started talking about it, the feedback I got was quite surreal. People just email me and say, “I know exactly what you went through,” and “I just need to get this off my chest.” That’s when I started talking about the good and the bad. My followers aren’t looking for advice, necessarily, but I think sometimes they just need someone who can listen or someone who can relate. I realized awhile ago that one of the healthier ways I would self-medicate was by writing. I also realized that when I would tweet anonymously and get this incredible feedback, it was easier to handle. My handle is more of a pen name than anything else.
The worst thing is when someone who is beautiful, successful, and smart decides to end his or her life and people say, “Oh, what a shame. She was so pretty. Why would she do that?” People need to know that depression is not always situational. Sometimes you are born with a biological condition and you cannot help yourself.
I remind people that I am not a counselor. I have no medical or professional experience, but I am merely speaking from my own experiences. I encourage people to get help. It is not as scary as it seems. It takes time to find the right medication and therapist. It definitely took months for me to feel something, to feel happy, but it was worth all the hard work to get there.
24 March 2014: Random Thoughts on Love
I let out a long sigh and realised I was just sitting there staring…thinking. Thinking about the past, present and the future. Wondering why things go the way they do and why they never work out the way I hope. After thinking the same thing over and over, I was beginning to realise it was because of expectations. I set the bar high for reality, imagining how things will go and work out, always ending up disappointed when they differ from what the expectations I had dreamt up. The cause for getting lost in my thoughts tonight was the same as any other night. Males. I don’t know who thought up the quote “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them”, but in relation to males, it is 100% correct. Ask any teenage girl…they would have had at least one problem with a certain male in the last few months. Sure males are probably in the same boat when it comes to girls, but I am not under that category. My main problems with males are that the ones I like don’t like me back. Actually, truthfully, they don’t even know I like them. I’m one of those girls that keeps quiet and crushes from afar. They are never far away in my thoughts but in reality, the most communication I have with them is by stalking their Facebook page.
Oh man, how sad is that? Stalking their Facebook page. Truly shows how successful my love life is huh.
Sure I get guys talking to me and wanting to hang out, but it always seems to be the guys that you don’t want to hang out with. The ones that are interested in you, you aren’t interested in and vice versa. I strongly believe that true love is a rare thing and once you find it, it will never be taken away. No matter the circumstances, that love will continue to exist in both people’s hearts and will only grow stronger as time and distance increases. Some memories may fade but that love won’t only need memories to exist.
And it’s scary to think about the fact that you could believe you love someone, your boyfriend, your fiancé, but then you meet your real true love. How rare is it that you will end up at the same place at the same time? And what does true love feel like? Do you know at the exact second of seeing someone? Does it happen after you talk to them for the first time? After the first smile passed between you and him? The first few seconds of joint eye contact? Is love at first sight really a thing? Does it exist? I always used to say that looks don’t matter in a relationship, but I’ve realised that they really do. You can meet the nicest guy who is a complete gentleman but if you are not attracted to him, it just won’t work out. You won’t get the good kind of butterflies in your stomach every time you see him, you won’t feel the few seconds of joy every time you see a text from him, and you won’t be interested in absolutely everything he says. Everyone deserves to have their true love. To find that someone that makes them want to get out of bed every morning and be a better person in every way. It shouldn’t just be a fairy tale or a dream in the back of everyone’s mind. It shouldn’t be so rare that people question its existence. It should be something for people to dream about, but be it a dream that will come true. A dream that’s in the very distant future.
Oh man, how sad is that? Stalking their Facebook page. Truly shows how successful my love life is huh.
Sure I get guys talking to me and wanting to hang out, but it always seems to be the guys that you don’t want to hang out with. The ones that are interested in you, you aren’t interested in and vice versa. I strongly believe that true love is a rare thing and once you find it, it will never be taken away. No matter the circumstances, that love will continue to exist in both people’s hearts and will only grow stronger as time and distance increases. Some memories may fade but that love won’t only need memories to exist.
And it’s scary to think about the fact that you could believe you love someone, your boyfriend, your fiancé, but then you meet your real true love. How rare is it that you will end up at the same place at the same time? And what does true love feel like? Do you know at the exact second of seeing someone? Does it happen after you talk to them for the first time? After the first smile passed between you and him? The first few seconds of joint eye contact? Is love at first sight really a thing? Does it exist? I always used to say that looks don’t matter in a relationship, but I’ve realised that they really do. You can meet the nicest guy who is a complete gentleman but if you are not attracted to him, it just won’t work out. You won’t get the good kind of butterflies in your stomach every time you see him, you won’t feel the few seconds of joy every time you see a text from him, and you won’t be interested in absolutely everything he says. Everyone deserves to have their true love. To find that someone that makes them want to get out of bed every morning and be a better person in every way. It shouldn’t just be a fairy tale or a dream in the back of everyone’s mind. It shouldn’t be so rare that people question its existence. It should be something for people to dream about, but be it a dream that will come true. A dream that’s in the very distant future.
22 March 2014: Recent Thoughts > International Day of Happiness
I wrote some thoughts down a couple of days ago on the International Day of Happiness (March 20th) that have been rolling around in my head for a week or so. I haven't been feeling myself lately and in the past week I've finally started to see the light and slowly bring myself back to the person I was before a certain someone and situation changed my life. I hope it inspires other people to keep pushing forward with their life and realise that they are the one driving rather than sitting back in the passenger seat and letting someone else take control of their travels.
Does anyone else ever have those epiphanies? Sudden realisations after weeks of feeling lost, confused and like you have no place in the world? After everything feeling like it was falling apart at once and you were digging yourself a huge hole in your mind and heart that you couldn’t pull yourself out of as much as you wanted to? Feeling like nothing was going your way and you keep growing more and more depressed even though you try to avoid that. Feeling like there was only a few solutions left to pause or subside the pain and feelings of hopelessness. It’s hard to instantly get out of that place that you’ve been in for a long time.
This epiphany may come in the simplest and most unexpected form. It could be a sentence you read, something someone says, an old memory or feeling that changes your whole view and opinion on your current situation. Maybe overthinking will come in handy and it will be your own thought that protects you from the depths of what you could have been about to bring to your own future.
Those epiphanies are what we owe our lives to. They are the ones that can save you from your own deep, dark thoughts that swallow your happiness and privilege of living the life you do. They are the light at the end of the tunnel, the reward for having the strength to go through everything you have and come out on top. They are the light bulb moment, the click of your fingers, and the tap of your heels three times bringing you back to your home, to your normal self, to your own soul, mind and happy thoughts.
“Turn your face to the sun and all of the shadows fall behind you”. Yes there may be a time in your life (or a few) where you go back to that horrible place, where you feel like your constant negative thoughts are once again choking you. But wait for that epiphany…know that the lifejacket to save you from your drowning thoughts is floating along to you with the next wave…ready to save you from yourself and your contemplations.
It’s YOUR life. YOUR choices affect what will make up your future. Choose to think positively. At the end of the day focusing on the negatives is unfortunately what we are naturally drawn to but that will only bring more negative thoughts and worry to your life. Instead, be grateful for something in your day. Write down at least one positive thing that happened throughout the day and put it in a jar for you to look back on. It could be the simplest moment such as receiving an unexpected hug, finding your favourite drink on special in the groceries or having a stranger hold the door open for you. These few seconds could be the difference between having a good and bad day. Think about these moments and learn to appreciate the little things, it’s amazing how much it can affect your outlook on life. Realise what makes you happy and do that for others. In my experience, the most rewarding way to make yourself happy is by making someone else’s day, especially when that person is a stranger.
You are in charge of your life. Every choice you make makes up what is labelled as your future. Choose what makes you happy. Don’t like your current job? Go to uni and study what you secretly want to do. Want to visit that country you’ve been dreaming of? Start planning it! Sure you may not end up there in the next few months because of a low bank account balance but who knows what is around the corner in the next couple of years. Someone has to win the lotto, right?
Happiness is that fuzzy feeling that you feel like you can’t be in a better mood than you already are. When you are smiling crazily, sometimes for no reason. It’s something that people take for granted but it’s one of the most rewarding feelings. It is an emotion that everyone wants and lives for. Those who go out of their way to change their own negative thoughts and feelings will be a positive influence on those around them. How often do you want to be around someone who is moody and constantly frowning?
Happy International Day of Happiness!
Does anyone else ever have those epiphanies? Sudden realisations after weeks of feeling lost, confused and like you have no place in the world? After everything feeling like it was falling apart at once and you were digging yourself a huge hole in your mind and heart that you couldn’t pull yourself out of as much as you wanted to? Feeling like nothing was going your way and you keep growing more and more depressed even though you try to avoid that. Feeling like there was only a few solutions left to pause or subside the pain and feelings of hopelessness. It’s hard to instantly get out of that place that you’ve been in for a long time.
This epiphany may come in the simplest and most unexpected form. It could be a sentence you read, something someone says, an old memory or feeling that changes your whole view and opinion on your current situation. Maybe overthinking will come in handy and it will be your own thought that protects you from the depths of what you could have been about to bring to your own future.
Those epiphanies are what we owe our lives to. They are the ones that can save you from your own deep, dark thoughts that swallow your happiness and privilege of living the life you do. They are the light at the end of the tunnel, the reward for having the strength to go through everything you have and come out on top. They are the light bulb moment, the click of your fingers, and the tap of your heels three times bringing you back to your home, to your normal self, to your own soul, mind and happy thoughts.
“Turn your face to the sun and all of the shadows fall behind you”. Yes there may be a time in your life (or a few) where you go back to that horrible place, where you feel like your constant negative thoughts are once again choking you. But wait for that epiphany…know that the lifejacket to save you from your drowning thoughts is floating along to you with the next wave…ready to save you from yourself and your contemplations.
It’s YOUR life. YOUR choices affect what will make up your future. Choose to think positively. At the end of the day focusing on the negatives is unfortunately what we are naturally drawn to but that will only bring more negative thoughts and worry to your life. Instead, be grateful for something in your day. Write down at least one positive thing that happened throughout the day and put it in a jar for you to look back on. It could be the simplest moment such as receiving an unexpected hug, finding your favourite drink on special in the groceries or having a stranger hold the door open for you. These few seconds could be the difference between having a good and bad day. Think about these moments and learn to appreciate the little things, it’s amazing how much it can affect your outlook on life. Realise what makes you happy and do that for others. In my experience, the most rewarding way to make yourself happy is by making someone else’s day, especially when that person is a stranger.
You are in charge of your life. Every choice you make makes up what is labelled as your future. Choose what makes you happy. Don’t like your current job? Go to uni and study what you secretly want to do. Want to visit that country you’ve been dreaming of? Start planning it! Sure you may not end up there in the next few months because of a low bank account balance but who knows what is around the corner in the next couple of years. Someone has to win the lotto, right?
Happiness is that fuzzy feeling that you feel like you can’t be in a better mood than you already are. When you are smiling crazily, sometimes for no reason. It’s something that people take for granted but it’s one of the most rewarding feelings. It is an emotion that everyone wants and lives for. Those who go out of their way to change their own negative thoughts and feelings will be a positive influence on those around them. How often do you want to be around someone who is moody and constantly frowning?
Happy International Day of Happiness!
The Beginning...
I recently read a sentence in a book where the main character said,
"I was one of those people who had that 'great idea' that mounted to nothing".
Yep, unfortunately that pretty much describes every idea I have! Either something comes up that ruins the idea I have, or I get as far as thinking of a great idea and it stops at that. So today's idea was to begin a blog and this is my attempt at pushing past the checkpoint of just thinking of an idea. I need something to get my random thoughts and musings out of my head and probably the best way for me to do that is to write it down. I can't guarantee that I'll be a constant blogger. Or that I'll even write more than five blog posts but I'll do my best. And if you've continued to read up to this point of my first post, well done! And thank you.
Till next time xx
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